This may genuinely be the worst beer I've ever had in my life*

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 05/09/2017 at 19:40 • Filed to: None

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Full disclosure: I hate Guinness. I feel qualified to hate Guinness. It’s not like I’ve had Guinness once and decided I didn’t like it. I’ve had lots of Guinness, because I’ve been to Ireland a few times and Guinness is €0.50 cheaper than Heineken in most places, and that meant every tenth beer was free, and that sort of economic theory means a lot to me as a binge drinker. I’ve had a lot of Guinness and I hate it.

But I still bought this because I love nitro iced coffee. It’s a rip off, but I adore it. I also went into this knowing from experience with canned nitro iced coffee that it would lose a lot of its charm in a can.

But this? This is terrible beer. It takes the general flat soda-ness of Guinness and cranks it up to 11, then mixes it with a bad IPA. I’m sure that this blandness is the “smooth” taste the nitro is supposed to impart, but I assure you that it is not.

There’s something in the can that makes it rattle like a spray can. I’m tempted to shake it, but the cans already feel like they’re sort of under pressure. But why would the rattle can thing be there? Nothing on the can mentions its existence.

But, you know what, Oppo? Out of my infinite love for you, I’m going to shake this can. I’m going to shake it like a teen mom shakes a crying baby.**

I am now covered in beer.

Imagine a very unsexy beer commercial where women in bikinis shake cans of beer and pop them open on each other, but replace sexy playfulness with sadness and disappointment and breasts with borderline alcoholism.

The beer is slightly more foamy than the first one. It’s even blander. I think maybe it tastes better, but this might be because of the knowledge that the beer that exploded on me is beer I will not have to drink.

This is a very shitty beer.

* When I was about 8, some friends and I found some Coors Light. We each had a sip and decided it was terrible, then decided that the rest of the six pack was best used as pretend grenades that would explode when we threw them on the asphalt. Never felt the need to experience it a second time, but it may possibly be worse. Natural Ice is also worse, but Natty Ice doesn’t count as beer. It’s canned desiccant for which the only purpose is to cause hangovers in undergraduates.

** the poor taste of this joke should help you understand the poor taste of this beer.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 19:49

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Heinekin is the comparison?

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 19:52

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I’ve always thought Heineken was what people who don’t like beer drink when they want to be seen drinking beer. Is there such a thing as a non-skunky Heineken? Every one I’ve ever had tasted like a 3 year old Budweiser.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/09/2017 at 19:52

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I unabashedly tolerate Heineken. It’s the one beer that you can get almost anywhere in the world; it’s cheap; and when I was young and living in Harlem, I could buy 40s of it for less than $2 from any bodega.

jkm7680 > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 19:53

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At least Heineken is finally admitting their secret receipt.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/new-beer-pisner-made-human-urine-article-1.3150196

Honeybunchesofgoats > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 05/09/2017 at 19:54

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It’s skunky, but I’ve learned to tolerate it. Guinness, though? I will never love Guinness.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 19:57

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I loathe Guinness as well. I’m a Belgian white/Hefe guy, my personal favorite is Harpoon UFO White. Its a better version of Blue Moon, which I used to drink until I toured the Harpoon brewery in Boston. May as well support the local guys, right?

Honeybunchesofgoats > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 05/09/2017 at 19:58

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I almost bought that UFO White today! I’ll have to try it.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:01

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You on the east coast? I was kinda wondering how far out west Harpoon gets.

I had a UFO Hefe at the brewery, and it was the best, freshest beer I’ve ever had. I could only have one because I was the DD for my cousin’s bachelor party, but holy shit was it good.

AntiSpeed > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 05/09/2017 at 20:01

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Before I developed a taste for beer I hated Heineken. I disliked almost all beers but I could have at least a bottle before the bitterness became too much. With Heineken I could barely have a sip.

But now I love it. I wouldn’t go out of my way for it (not that you ever have to), but if I don’t feel like taking any risks it’s a solid choice.

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:02

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Nitro is not as well suited to IPAs in general, let alone from a can, let alone from Guinness.

Honeybunchesofgoats > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 05/09/2017 at 20:04

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New Jersey. We get Wegmans grocery stores here and their beer selection is amazingly good.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle 05/09/2017 at 20:05

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There were a lot of bad decisions made here.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:06

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So you’re saying we should try it.

I do like Guiness, but I’m finding out that IPAs are not my favorite, and the Nitrogen thing just sounds pretentious to me.

My go to in high school was a Foster’s oil can. Heineken always seemed too preppy to me.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 05/09/2017 at 20:08

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I’m really not an IPA fan. I’ve even had Dogfish Head’s mythical 120 minute IPA (and I have another, because apparently they “age”) and was sort of like “ehhhh, okay.”

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:08

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If they carry Harpoon I’d have to agree. If you like IPAs, that’s where Harpoon made their name, so that’s well worth trying. But the UFO beers are my favorites...White, Hefe, Raspberry Hefe, and this weird grapefruit shandy kind of thing they did was okay too.

Honeybunchesofgoats > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 05/09/2017 at 20:09

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I’m not crazy about IPAs, but I love hefes.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:10

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I try them in the name of trying something new, but when I do, I seem to find them very meh.

But anything’s better than drinking mass market domestic piss. Just look at it coming out. Your kidneys can’t even be bothered to process the stuff.

PowderHound > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:39

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Jumping in to this category because why the hell not. May I submit the following:

Honeybunchesofgoats > PowderHound 05/09/2017 at 20:40

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But... how can a beer called Beer not be amazing? It’s right there in the name.

Carbon Fiber Sasquatch > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:48

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I had it, it was forgettable and mediocre. Those are the two worst things I can say about a beer...

PowderHound > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 20:55

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I don’t know if it’s the box or just the beer itself… it tastes purple. Yeah sure, that’s a color and color doesn’t have taste but it has this really weird grape wine-ish flavor. Just absolute garbage. One of the few I have never been able to actually drink a whole can and I regularly drink nowhere-near-top-of-the-line beers

Honeybunchesofgoats > PowderHound 05/09/2017 at 20:57

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Did you ever learn what the clock means?

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 21:06

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Well my grandpa says IPA was only made to last a ships voyage, not really a good choice.

Honeybunchesofgoats > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 05/09/2017 at 21:08

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They wrote a song about it and it’s the most punk thing ever.

PowderHound > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 21:15

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It’s time to drink cat piss wine/beer o’clock?

Time is ticking and you can’t waste time scrounging together another dollar for marginally better beer. Well worth the time invested though.

Something like that. Never tried to think about it too hard

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > PowderHound 05/09/2017 at 21:20

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@ 10 years ago a buddy bought a 30 rack of natty ice for $12 with a $5 mail in rebate. I never thought beer could be that cheap.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 21:23

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I love Guinness on tap, hate Heineken and hated Guinness IPA. it was such a phone in attempt at making a beer.

When i was about 16 or 17 i had a bud light and I thought beer tastes like shit. so I never beer again till 21 when I started to go to Irish pubs. Guinness is water.

rockingthe2 > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 21:53

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I don’t hate those, but I’ll take a regular Guinness over one any day. Then again when I drink those I’m usually a few beers in already and at that point ill pretty much drink anything unleaded and probably a few things that arent.

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 22:21

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Happens to the best of us.

Honeybunchesofgoats > rockingthe2 05/09/2017 at 22:22

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I’ve never met an alcohol I didn’t like while drunk, but I’ve known quite a few that I regretted meeting the next day.

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas 05/09/2017 at 22:26

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Seriously, Guinness is easy to drink. It’s like 3.8% alcohol and the nitro is easier on the belly. I used to do an annual beer run. Run 12 miles total, ten bars, about fifteen beers per person, and one year my team ordered Guinness at any stop that offered it and people thought we were crazy, but we were in pretty good shape at the end. Which to be honest is still pretty awful shape but the Guinness thing paid off.

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/10/2017 at 04:13

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I expect it’s called ‘Beer’ because otherwise people would mistake it for urine in a can.

Think of it as the first half of a name that reads ‘Beer......honest’.